With(out) You
by Silverwing013
Summary: Ten years ago, Tamaki refused the offer, choosing to remain with his mother. At twenty-four years old, he finds himself in Japan regardless of his previous decision. But yet despite his 'late' arrival, some meetings in life seem meant to be.
1. Chapter 1

With(out) You

* * *

"What's meant to be will always find a way" - Trisha Yearwood

* * *

All and all, he felt relieved.

Tamaki definitely had mixed feelings over his life lately and what direction people were pushing him towards, but he could agree on relief as a ranking feeling for this moment. Simultaneously, he pushed all depressing and reliving thoughts to another section of his mind. Later, he promised it. In a bit.

Maybe he was a bit tense.

And a liar to himself.

Just a little.

Shaking his shoulders out, he reached back for a quick rub at the tightened muscles in his neck. Sighing softly, he brought his attention back to the middle aged woman speaking of her son and how he would have been starting his last year of high school. He would have enjoyed this and keeping up on that project and goofing off with his friends and she had seen a friend of his just a few days ago. Tamaki watched the hopes and dreams crossing her face when speaking of her son. There was also an accepted sadness there that he understood, but could not feel himself.

For Tamaki, it was relief. Relief at being able to speak about it. Sadness, yes. But accepting it was not something he thought he could ever do. There was a hurt, of not being able to speak outside of this room. Confined and trapped. To live up to what others expected, ignoring the feelings that made him up. Ignoring the grand and fabulous and gorgeous and selfless and caring and loving person that made him who he was today.

Don't speak about her now Tamaki. She's not here. Move on, there are other things you should concern yourself about. Quit acting like that. She won't smile at your antics. The dead can't smile. And you are wasting time, like a child. Act like an adult and focus on studying what we're telling you to learn. Quit talking like she is watching you Tamaki.

A bit of hatred. Yes. There was that too.

But he wasn't going to admit that he harbored some hatred for his grand-mère. She was family. And it was grand-mère who suggested this group session for him. A rush of appreciation flooded over Tamaki. His grand-mère was not the type of person to linger long over emotions, much less other people's emotions, but she had still taken the time to help him. Normally, he'd be vying for arms wrapped around and crying, perhaps some goofy humor to lighten the situation for himself and the other, to create smiles. However, at this time… Tamaki was glad his grand-mère had the prickly disposition that she did.

"Are you speaking today?"

He glanced up at the softly worded question, a sharp notion it was directed toward him. The middle aged man in charge of the group smiled a little at him, Tamaki automatically smiling back to see the older man's smile grow and linger a while.

It did nothing for him.

The heavily salted mustache shifted again as he asked softly again, "Are you speaking today?"

Tamaki straightened. "Yes." To speak of her, to freely speak of her he thought as relief swept over him. He closed his eyes and smiled. He could see her, encouraging him and telling him it was fine. "My name is Tamaki," he began. An introduction he had fleetingly wondered if it was tailored for him, to keep the family name out of group, but none of the others had paid much mind to the request and brief rules stated at the beginning. It had always been set up like that.

"It has always been my mother and I. As far back as I can recall, my life mostly contained my mother. She has been ill for a long time. Or had been ill, I suppose. My mother passed a couple of weeks ago and I find myself in Japan."

What if he had…?

Shoving that line of thought away, Tamaki continued on. "My mother is a caring person and faced it all with a brave face, wanting the best for me. I helped care for her and stayed with her, wanting to see her smile. It grew more difficult the last few years to brighten her day with real smiles and laughter out of her, spurts of laughter would cause her pain, even though she denied it being true when I had her laughing."

He paused, remembering her firm reprimand when he had tried to limit himself with his antics to brighten her day. That she assured him that she felt far more pain when he wasn't being himself in cheering her up.

"She is a gorgeous woman. My mother. My mother was a gorgeous woman." He bit his lip a little, and then spurred on as he could see her continuing to encourage him. "I still feel that she is here. So I keep trying to make her smile and make others smile around me. For a moment the world feels lighter, but it doesn't last long. And my family here I am staying with… They reject any of my attempts to get them to smile or are quick to reject any smiles I may have made."

His grand-mère and father. No other family. And the rest of the large household was in servants who followed the family leader, his prickly grand-mère. It felt…cold there. A trapped feeling of not being able to show feelings or who you were or what you may be going through. Numb to the fact he had lost his mother. Everyone in the household was so careful not to show favor or sympathy to him.

"Still, I can't not try to make the people around me smile like I did for my mother. She's still here, even in Japan—"

Why was he still here? What good was it to stay with his mother if he was still wound up in Japan? Why was he here? For the vague notion of family, a word his family here did not treat as he did. What if he had…said yes before? What was the point of saying no if he was still here? Here, without his mother. He knew that. He knew he was here without his mother, but he clung to the fantasies she so loved about him. She was still here, with him, watching him and he could make her smile.

He could make her laugh now without her being in pain.

But what if he had…said yes? In his own decision ten years ago, if he wound up here in Japan anyway, what if he had said yes? Choosing to desert his mother for hopes that more money thrown at health care would still have her alive today…but yet…without each other.

He just came to Japan ten years later. He was without her here, but she was still _here_. She was alive and getting the best treatment in Fran—

No.

Finding his throat thick, Tamaki swallowed and glanced to the side, away from the main focus of the group circle. He had felt relieved talking about it for a time, but then he began feeling more down on himself. These people here were not his mother. No one, even his family in Japan, knew what family meant to Tamaki who had only ever had known family with his mother.

His father had been a figure of importance growing up, but the importance waned at the start of his twenties. The few exciting highlights of childhood visits had been reduced to nothing and he could not help but feel his father was not quite someone he wanted to be in life. He could understand his father's choice, it had been the same choice as his own. They had both chosen to remain with their mothers. Tamaki just realized sometime after the offer, how his offer had come from his father rather than his grand-mère. His father had made his own choice deeper by doing the same grand-mère did to him by doing it to Tamaki. Why had the man decided to force Tamaki to choose as he once had to?

And why was he still finding himself in Japan ten years later?

Sighing, Tamaki brought his attention back up, trying to pay attention to the teenage girl speaking about her passed on boyfriend. She was going on about how everyone kept saying they were sorry for her loss, but more and more they were adding in how she needed to move on already. Tamaki felt for her. People wanting to pretend everything was fine and to gloss over another person's grief and pain. He had had enough of everyone at the household pretending around him. Had hoped for some relief today and now he was not sure what the first day of group brought. Others around him were nodding and agreeing with the teenage girl.

Tamaki looked at those nodding, finding it disheartening. Where were the people for them in their lives? Where did people get the approval to tell them to 'move on' and act like everything was just…peachy keen? Maybe it was too difficult to look at this sort of thing in public spaces, that it was far easier to deal with false acts, preferring to have them act cheerful out in the world. Maybe this was why people who suffered felt the need to hide from most people. Because many out in public shunned what they, all of them in this group session, were feeling from society's eyes.

Where were the people for these people?

He was suddenly angry at this question, not seeing the answer being forthcoming. Tamaki silently seethed, trying to calm down enough to figure out what this bothered him so much.

Mother.

We ARE those people, he realized.

Or at least he was. He had been someone who had been there for someone suffering.

He had been there for his mother. Went through the hard times with her alongside all of the good. Tamaki had spotted it at times, her missing his father. How often he had been filled with numerous stories of his father by his mother? Stories…talking…someone listening…just like…just like they were doing in group. The mother who had talked about stories of her son, what his hopes and dreams were as they all listened. The teenage girl who talked about her day to day life after her boyfriend passed, never said much about him and looked closest to tears and shattered by it.

Tamaki had been someone for his mother. And this group was for those who may not have anyone like he had been for her.

His support was gone. Mother had been there for him when he had his own rough days, just as he stuck with her in her own many rough days. Was he even capable of being who he was a few weeks ago in France? It felt terrible to him. There was so much mother that was part of him, inside of him. Too much to even feel as if he could be himself without her. It felt wrong to even try to be capable of who he was. Wrong. Wrong for him to dive right into things, with abandon, truly setting out to—

"Are you speaking today?"

Tamaki refocused again on what was going on around him to spot who was being asked the question this time. He froze. Held immobile, Tamaki stared and found himself drawn in. Last in the group's circle, a dark haired young man his age sat straight in his chair with bitter eyes set behind a pair of eyeglasses. Slate gray that should have been bland, in fact expected with most people in this room dealing with the loss of a loved one, were anything but a bland eye color. The bitter eyes were full of a sharp hardness, one that would make many to think again about approaching the owner of those eyes. They were also were full of pain, anger, and hate. Tamaki didn't see those eyes directed on anyone in particular inside the room and failed to see why there was so much hate brimming out. Hate…for himself maybe?

It was as though this young man was saying to the room 'I survived, get the fuck away'.

Had this young man been in the service perhaps?

"No," he answered simply. The flat answer did not match with the young man's eyes and Tamaki's gut turned.

I want to see a smile on that young man, he ardently thought. Not bothering to conference with any other part of him, that strong feeling and thought finished. Just that one. Just that young man in this room. I want to see him smile.

Tamaki shook his head, trying to chase out the sudden thought.

He's not my mother, he stated firmly.

* * *

"Sometimes beautiful things come into our lives out of nowhere. We can't always understand them, but we have to trust in them. I know you want to question everything, but sometimes it pays to just have a little faith." - Lauren Kate_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

With(out) You

* * *

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." – Oscar Wilde

* * *

Finding relief of a different sort, Tamaki drew in a deep breath.

And then coughed.

Fresh air did not seem to be the same in Japan. Disregarding the last effect of doing it, he took in another deep breath, enjoying the change from being stuck inside with no windows open. Taking his time, he searched the length of the street outside of the many storied building that housed the place for group. The limo driver had yet to arrive. That's all right, Tamaki thought. Akira had several minutes to spare. And Tamaki did not mind.

Silently, he watched as the middle aged woman who had lost her son carefully stepped one black heel after another into a Mercedes Benz driven by what appeared to be a good friend with how the two women chattered. He smiled a bit, watching them go, glad someone had not left group alone. More than a few had already taken off already and Tamaki took notice of the types of vehicles they left in. Somehow, he figured when his grand-mère was the one who suggested this group in the first place and in noting family names left out. It did make it more personal, but it also made it an unstated rule that family business was not brought into such a personal matter.

He caught the shout of a young girl down the street and looked to see a child dressed in store clothes waving a bag at a leaving customer. Both smiling at the error and glad it was fixed, the old gentleman took the small parcel from the little girl and patted her on the head before leaving once again. His cane tapped every so often, surprising Tamaki at the white and realizing the old gentleman with the nice suit was legally blind. Watching the store front a bit longer, he saw the girl disappear back inside. She soon popped out again with another parcel and friendly smile on her missing tooth grin. This time a young mother and her small toddler boy exited, the mother motioning for her son to take the bag. With great glee, the boy took the bag and took his mother's hand as he yammered excitedly up at her.

Suddenly remembering how he used to do the same when small, Tamaki could practically see his mother in front of him with her hand reaching out for him to grab onto. Hand twitching at the memory, he finally looked away from the mother and son.

Not everyone was gone.

Tamaki blinked, noticing the dark haired young man sitting at a bench behind where he was standing. The other young man was currently writing in a file with a ball point pen, not paying any mind to the street as Tamaki had been.

"Uncle Kyoya!"

That was, until then.

The bitter eyes looked up from his file and Tamaki turned to look with the other young man, spotting a very young girl sporting a school uniform racing up. The young man snapped his file shut, attached the pen, and then slid it into a plain briefcase before standing up.

"My, my, my Kyoya. How was group?"

Tamaki stood a bit straighter at the woman striding after the girl, an even younger boy tucked up in an arm. The sure to be ten year difference aside, she was a stunningly beautiful lady. Her manner of dress was simple, but elegant and of good quality. The toddler noticed Tamaki, and hid his face into the crook of his mother's neck, tightly grasping onto her shirt. Shifting the boy, the beautiful lady continued walking toward the young man with a small smile.

The other bent down to pick up his briefcase, ignoring the question. The lady's smile faded.

The uniformed girl smiled, quickly getting up onto the bench and leaping onto her uncle's back. She hurriedly latched her arms around his neck before he stood back up all the way. Beginning to stride toward the street, he stepped to a halt and finally looked at the beautiful lady.

"Please Kyoya, I can only be relieved so much on you coming here. We all worry about you, you know."

The small girl hiked up on her uncle a bit better. He kept his silence, waiting for her to finish.

"You cannot go on acting like this. It has been months Kyoya and I worry all the more because of that little brother. Are you even attempting to take advantage of coming here every week? It is perfectly fine if you enjoy yourself or even smile. No one is judging you if you do. I look for that every day, hoping you can still accept who you are and stop acting like you felt it necessary to do in—"

"Fuyumi," he broke into her words. The growing panic and fear was silenced, even though the beautiful lady still bore those feelings upon her face. "This is who I am. I will not falsify glee for you."

"Kyoya." His name surged out of her mouth. Eyebrows furrowing down and her face pinching in more concern than before, she stepped toward him. "You cannot keep this going on Kyoya. You need to scream, to cry, to do something to get this out. You're not like this. This isn't who you are. You're denying yourself, you're very being, what makes you up as a young man. I grow more fearful each day about you, about where you are heading in life. You need to allow yourself to get some of this out."

Waiting a second, he replied to his elder sister evenly. "I'm still alive, aren't I?"

Shocked at the blunt question, it took a while before she could answer.

"There—there—there is a difference." Breathing quicker, she pushed on to state facts. "There is a difference between being alive and living."

"So you've realized," he allowed her. "I stopped living a while ago."

Her face went blank. He looked back to the street, searching for something that was not there.

The young girl hugged tightly and nuzzled young man's cheek from up on her perch. "We're walking down the street to a cake shop Uncle Kyoya. Akane is having a birthday party in the upper level. I promised her I would come to it. Race, race! Go Uncle Kyoya!"

His little niece bounced up and down, trying to cajole him into her play.

"Kyoya." The girl wilted at her mother's voice, silenced. "You are still alive, moving forward day by day, you can allow yourself to live and move with—"

The young man turned his head, piercing his sister with angry eyes, then caught Tamaki's gaze. Wincing as the eyes seemed to turn more to hate, he laughed apprehensively and gave a small wave of his fingers.

"And what? Smile falsely at the world?" Tamaki stepped back at the tone, his own smile fast disappearing. Dismissive, his eyes flicked back to his sister. "I'm not changing."

With the harsh declaration, the young man began striding down the street, leaving the lovely lady behind watching his departure with sadness. After a few paces, the small girl bounced a little on his shoulders. With a dash, the sister caught up to the young man and passed him.

"And the jockey Kenshin passes the jockey Kazue on her racehorse Kyoya, taking the lead!"

The little girl shrieked on her uncle's shoulders, shaking him. "Go, go Uncle Kyoya! We have to beat them! We're going to beat you Kenshin!"

The toddler poked his head out from his mother's neck, peering back at his uncle and sister expressionlessly. Then he stuck out a tiny tongue, quick to retreat it back inside his mouth before he hid his face again. The girl shouted.

"Kenshin just stuck his tongue at me! He did, he did! Mother!"

The lovely lady turned her head around, smiling and sticking out her own tongue at the protesting daughter.

"Mother," the girl whined loudly at the lack of punishment for what her brother did. "Go faster Uncle Kyoya! Go, go!"

Watching the horseplay continue around the young man, Tamaki frowned. It was very playful, not any real fear of repercussions, stating how close they were to be teasing each other like this. But yet the young man did not alter his speed.

Play with her, he demanded in his head. You've clearly done it before, play with her!

Angry, Tamaki ran forward after them.

PLAY WITH HER!

Wanting to shove the man, Tamaki speed up.

PLAY WITH HER KYOYA!

He would push him to go faster and race and play with his…

DON'T…DON'T…don't…

Slowing, he stopped and watched the young man stride around the corner, the young girl still bouncing and shouting atop his shoulders. For several long minutes he stared at the corner, tears threatening his eyes. Then he questioned.

Don't what?

"Ma-Master Tamaki."

He spun at the voice, surprised to see Akira huffing slightly and straightening himself. Apologetic, Tamaki quickly spoke. "I'm sorry Akira. I was caught up in my thoughts."

"Quite all right Master Tamaki," Akira breathed out. The driver's chest moved as he took a few more lungful's of air. "I only sought to inform you I have arrived. Take your time, I will wait."

"No, no." Tamaki smiled at Akira's offer. "Let's walk back. I'm ready."

It was a quiet walk back to the vehicle with the driver working to get his breath back. Tamaki didn't mind. Kyoya thought he smiled falsely at the world, which Tamaki wondered himself about. It was habit, not truly false. It was true that it felt…not right at times. And Tamaki couldn't really muster up any real reason why Kyoya should smile if he didn't feel like that was who he was, except that the other young man should smile. It may help him feel better…sometimes.

Any family things weren't really Tamaki's business as an outsider, but it didn't feel right to Tamaki. He knew Kyoya wasn't his mother, there was no need to feel such a strong urge to make Kyoya smile, but it still remained. Tamaki saw those bitter eyes and he wanted in. It wasn't something he understood and he figured he never would understand or see eye to eye with Kyoya. Yet that gut feeling remained. He wanted to run down that street and catch up to the other young man.

Tamaki glanced back down the street, one foot inside the limo, hesitating on that compulsion.

Don't what?

He slid inside and shut the door.

* * *

"The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - never knowing." – Jim Rohn


	3. Chapter 3

With(out) You

* * *

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." ― Helen Keller

* * *

Somehow, Tamaki decided, crepes didn't taste right in Japan. He'd had the familiar food several times as a comfort. So far in the past several weeks, over a month, the crepes were not the same. He poked at the strawberries on the side listlessly. Was it Japan or was it the lack of company? He glanced about the room, where not even a servant lingered. Sighing, Tamaki went back to his reading of files.

The files had been given to him by both his father and grand-mère. With the idea of being included, Tamaki had taken to them and kept busy during most days with reading up on all of them. Both being so involved with work and interactions falling on the odd, Tamaki had found this was a common ground for them. His father had brightened at how Tamaki answered a few business questions and they had managed well with those conversations.

Although he was told to take at least one day off, a day to himself to explore Japan, Tamaki found it exceedingly difficult. The list of places to go only kept growing longer and never shorter. On that one day a week, he never went far and it was always alone. Being so used to taking in every new place and sharing new experiences with his mother and a few others back in France, it no longer held the same appeal as when he went alone. Briefly he had pondered on an image of dragging Kyoya along with him to an entertainment place, but shook it off. The other young man seemed far more likely to shove him out the door than Tamaki being likely to cox a smile out of him.

It was a silly notion, but it was the only person near his age he had run across so far in Japan. Pushing aside any feelings he had on just wanting to get close to the bitter eyed young man.

In any case, Tamaki normally fell back to finding a nice area to sit at nearby while he brushed up on his business and read up on the files pertaining to the family company. There had been a few times he had treated himself to picking up albums, usually old favorites of the Japanese historical dramas he grew up watching, but he also snagged the new album by Isao Sonoda. He had been one Tamaki found about four years back and thought the praise on him was well deserved, playing several of the piano portions to his mother.

"Good morning Tamaki."

He jolted at the voice, startled at another person in the room. His father grinned, slamming his palms down on the table and leaning close to him. "Did I scare you?" He asked brightly.

Tamaki's lip turned down as he peered up at his father. The manner confused him. The only other time his father had brightened around him was with work conversations. Other than that, dry and forced and impersonal. And now his father was behaving like he had at Tamaki's sixth birthday party in France?

"A bit," he responded carefully.

His father drew back, grin falling as he seemed to literally wilt into a nearby chair. Curious, Tamaki watched the older man.

"Good morning."

Brightening, his father looked back to him and noticed the pile of papers. "How goes reading the files for this week?"

Tamaki blinked, hesitating, but correcting the man. "Rereading. I went back to reread these. Nearly finished."

Looking stunned for a mere second, his father than beamed. "Of course you are! That's my Tamaki! You always did have a quick grasp on school subjects, it shouldn't surprise me!"

"Huh?" Tamaki stared at his father in bafflement. He had lived in France with mother his whole life and visits from father had always been short, but exciting. There was no memory sticking with him on school unless it was about a few friends. Something inside of him bristled at how his father said that too. Tamaki didn't like it.

Taking an exaggerated look about, his father leaned near to speak softly. "I had a man who managed to disguise letters from your mother to me. I looked forward to the updated pictures and stories about you every six months. We…couldn't make them too frequent, but that made news on you and her all that more precious."

Tamaki went cold. And then furious.

He looked in the opposite direction of his father, clenching his hands into fists under the table. The honesty and softer tone made it all that much worse. There was no inkling of understanding. Nothing between them. Nothing connected them, except by blood with his mother. And even more terrifying was how his father seemed to think that tiny thread of connection with his mother made up for—

"Tamaki?"

"So what," he turned to snarl. "You could chance semiannual letters under grand-mère's eyes but not be bothered to bring yourself after I turned ten when she forbade any contact between all of us! Like any of those short visits, skimping out from your work during my childhood there made up for anything! Much less made you any important part of our lives! You weren't there! And you aren't here either!"

His father's mouth pinched tighter at the declaration.

Hating the man and all that he stood for his life, Tamaki stood up, not caring that the chair clattered behind him. "I'M NOT YOUR ANYTHING!"

"Being blood you created with mother doesn't make me yours! I may have come from that union, but family was made without you! You can't lay any familiar claim on me so easily! You! You pompous fool, have little claim to who I am! 'My father' is merely words and a taint of blood! You think that makes family? I've tried and I've seen how that word is regarded in this household." Tamaki drew back his lips and spat it at his father. "A form of power."

With a wince, his father's face soon shot red. "Now Tamaki, I do not—"

"You only deign to converse with me on either business or telling me what to do! What am I to you other than some convenient person you can twist and mold to your enterprise needs because of the word 'family'? Your importance has dropped with me, I am not the same tiny child excited for the time spent with you, quick in my aim to please you! I thank you for sparking my interest in several things, but I never, never, want to be someone like you," Tamaki declared evenly.

"I cherish family too much. You are never here. With mother, it was her and I, together. And we were there for each other. That, that is family. I stayed. I cared. I was there! You weren't! We were family, mother and I remained through all the good and hard times! There for all the moments, sharing lives with each other, everything, all the little things along with the large! I actually looked forward to the chances offered to me 10 years ago and coming to Japan, do you know that? The chance to be family with you and to explore the world! But to leave mother alone? To abandon her? Mother deserves people around her that care just as much as she does of them! So selfless too! Thinking of the best for me, pushing me to come here all those years ago! Then I overheard her crying alone in her room. Alone! She pushed for me to come, honestly wanting me to come for the same reasons I saw! I was tempted and torn, wanting the best for mother! Best treatment, ha! Why was the best physical treatment only possible by eradicating her mental support? Who exactly would be there with her? You?"

"Well, no," his father spoke softly in his silence. "I…I would have been just as forbidden by your grandmother in any contact with her. Like you. But…but spending time with you…my own son…would no longer be banned. That perhaps…I could manage to get us together and you…may change my mother's mind. Tamaki, I…I cannot change the past and be there as you grew into a man. It's…lost. Being able to spend time with my son is finally permissible, but…but I lost…"

Voice choked, quavering and vulnerable, but still the tiny voice was clear as the emotion.

"I've lost her too Tamaki. For much longer. And I can never hope to see her again."

Tamaki swallowed, stepping back. It was raw. He felt it like a slap. The last time the older man had been allowed to visit just before he had turned ten years old, a full fourteen years. Even longer, his mind wafted in. When his father had given in to grand-mère's wishes in remaining with the Souh Enterprise rather than standing by Anne-Sophie. When it came down to it, no matter what bending his father did, Tamaki and his mother were never chosen.

"Whose fault is that," Tamaki muttered harshly.

Hearing it, his father's eyes fell to the floor, face wracked in more pain.

Tamaki glanced away. No matter what his father said or choose, no matter what Tamaki did with the belief his mother was still with him…

"She's not here," he said quietly. No matter how much he carried mother inside of him or tried for weeks on bringing their family to this one in Japan, he was reaching and gripping tight onto…loss. Mother wasn't here in Japan. No one who would help carry on Tamaki and her meaning of family. Even his father who knew her more than grand-mère was pushing mother away still. His father kept choosing grand-mère …the business. Souh Enterprise. Family name, but no actual thing, just…the name.

"Mother is gone."

"Tamaki no."

Words, fast and hurried spilled out. Hands turned him back around and his father's teary eyes were wide eyed at him.

"No Tamaki. You listen here, no. No. Don't be taking such an unhopeful tone. It's not you. It's not…her. She is still here Tamaki. You are here. She raised you. I…I have no notions that I played a key role in your childhood. But I…and you…we keep her alive…despite your grandmother. We carry her memories and that is not something that anyone can take from us unless we so choose to decide those memories are worthless and forgettable. Your mother was neither worthless or forgettable."

His father shook him by the shoulders. "Your mother is not gone."

"I just… You are no longer ten Tamaki. There is so much in you that is your mother, but you are your own grown man. I see her and it hurts, but then I hurt more when I realize over and over again that I don't know how to help you."

Staggered and stunned, Tamaki took a step back to look his father over. Hands falling from where they rested, his father also stepped back.

"I'm leaving for work now."

His father stepped back farther, turning around to leave the room without eating.

"I'm sorry!" Heart clenching in fear, Tamaki spoke loudly. "I'm sorry!"

It was sudden, the feeling. Everything around him went into pause. He, frozen in fear. His father still at the doorway. The loss of mother and what family meant to Tamaki both faded and grew. Before, he began feeling the notion it was not worth it, giving up on having family here, but…however little it was, he didn't want to lose what he has here. There were people here in Japan he wished to become closer with. He wasn't going to lose them!

"You're sorry?" The world played, his father turned around to face him again. "The apology doesn't lie with you Tamaki. You made attempts; I've fallen back onto work when I come to a loose in relating with you."

Tamaki shook his head. "Half-hearted."

"But enough heart in it that I saw your hurt whenever I ignored you," he responded morosely. "It's no wonder you were so cautious when I greeted you. You don't need to apologize to me Tamaki."

"I'm sorry," Tamaki repeated for the third time. He meant it as he thought back to several of things he threw in his father's face. Neither of them quite knew what to do with the other and he had been the first to throw bombs onto the tattered bridge tentatively connecting their relationship. It wasn't fair, Tamaki realized suddenly. He had made a stab at not choosing his mother, but both he and his father had done the same. His father may not have chosen Tamaki's mother, but he had chosen his mother. They both had chosen to remain with their mothers.

"Did…" Tamaki looked up and his father hesitated at the attention. "Did you want to come with me to work today?"

Tamaki's chest swelled up at the invitation. "Yes!"

His father beamed brightly back at Tamaki's smile.

* * *

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." ― Robert A. Heinlein


	4. Chapter 4

With(out) You

* * *

"Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future."  
—Robert H. Schuller

* * *

With purpose, Tamaki had sat down next to the other young man at the start of group. The past few days had been much different in relation with his father. All right, perhaps not that different. The feelings between were rubbed raw, they continued tearing places with the other but there were apologies and honesty. The bridge was being mended and there were going to be mishaps and missteps. Grand-mère was still just as prickly, but that was her. Tamaki had a fresh burst of determination fueling him. There were people in Japan he did not wish to lose. Family of his father, grand-mère, and the young man with bitter eyes.

Tamaki had been watching, but kept his distance all this weeks. He tapped his fingers and jiggled his leg, fidgeting. It may be a gut feeling he had no logical reason for, but weeks had only stirred more questions and curiosity and a need to know more. Hesitation was destroying Tamaki in the long run, he felt more…himself lately. His mother had always smiled more when he had dove into doing things he enjoyed. Impulsive. Reckless. So said several teachers in France. Bright. Upbeat. Optimistic. So said his mother. And filled with warm sincerity.

Holding back around this young man had Tamaki feeling regret. It was a person he wanted to know, drag around to places, to break past the mask of bitter eyes, and maybe help take some of the heavy load off of him.

"Are you speaking today?"

Tamaki automatically added the number of words total he had heard the other young man speak during group. The addition was of a single word. The variety of words spoken remained at a single entity.

"No."

And there it was. The ever present negative.

Salt and pepper Arata dismissed the group. Tamaki spun, bursting to speak. The person of interest? He turned, picked up his plain briefcase, and walked away. Tamaki sprung up and followed him out the door, quickly catching up to walk on his right.

"So Kyoya, what's it like to have a sibling? Your sister seems close, picking you up every week. Was it like that when you two were growing up? I've not had the chance to have a sibling and I've always been curious what having a sister or brother would be like."

Without a turn to look at Tamaki, his mouth opened. Tamaki brightened at the automatic vocal response to him.

"If that is your real question, of which I doubt, you can ask someone else."

And earned an automatic shutdown.

He paused, but stepped hastily to nab the door to hold it open. No thanks or halt in his step, Kyoya strode right by as though Tamaki was not there.

"But I'm asking you."

Tamaki took the silence as a hopeful positive, fully thinking Kyoya would have snapped back at him. The other young man was curious. The love of family was obvious with how his elder sister was the one to pick him up every week. But yet Kyoya didn't acknowledge it, only settling to take them off their guards with his harsh statements and clearly trying to destroy any feelings between. He pushed them away so hard, but Fuyumi returned week after week with worried concern clear in her eyes on how Kyoya behaved.

He sat next to Kyoya on the bench, watching the other young man carefully. Rather than commenting at Tamaki's choice seat, Kyoya blatantly ignored him and acted as if he sat alone. Clicking open his plain briefcase, official papers were pulled out with a ball point pen. The dark haired young man was focused as he worked, but not as focused at Tamaki would have thought. The writing was neat, clear, and precise. It was written in English. With that type of writing, Tamaki knew he was either a perfectionist or very driven to be able to do so that easily. Where was the sharp focus that should be there with such skills?

He was young. Where was that drive to get higher?

Kyoya had said to his sister he was no longer living. Tamaki's gut clenched. The words weren't just something to drive his family away, were they? Those words were true. Tamaki watched longer, becoming sadder at how much Kyoya only went through the motions.

"My, my, my Kyoya. So hard at work."

At the voice, Kyoya snapped the file shut and slid it away with his pen. Tamaki glanced away to see Fuyumi striding over with a warm smile.

"Hello," she greeted to Tamaki simply. He smiled back at the beautiful lady. She seemed in better spirits today than other days she came for her younger brother. Why was that, Tamaki wondered curiously.

Her gaze on him didn't last long, her focus going to Kyoya. "How was group?"

Giving her neither greeting nor a response, the other stood with his briefcase and made his way to the vehicle waiting for the two of them. Her eyes caught Tamaki's and he blinked in surprise, before she looked to Kyoya and back again. Sighing, she turned away and followed him. Oh. Kyoya's older sister had been hoping for some difference today because he had been sitting next to him.

The overall tone of giving up from the siblings had him springing up.

"Maybe making others smile may not help me," Tamaki shouted. He reached out, grabbed Kyoya's shoulder, and gave it a shake. Spinning about, the young man swatted his hand away, hate filling up his gray eyes. "But it might help them!"

Hate gave way to stunned shock, startled and paying attention to what Tamaki had just said. His eyes flickered away from both Tamaki and his elder sister. Pain shook across his face, muscles jumping. Unsure of why this reaction, Tamaki hovered in wait, glad he got through to this young man in some way.

"Fuyumi," Kyoya stated simply. He hesitated. Carefully, he asked out loud. "How was your day?"

Beaming, Fuyumi swipped a tear away from her eye, her voice choked in emotion as she replied to her brother's question. "It was wonderful Kyoya. Wonderful."

Pleased, Tamaki watched as the pair walked away, Fuyumi talking brightly and Kyoya's face facing hers as she spoke. He was glad. It didn't solve anything in the long run, but Tamaki was glad. Something of what Tamaki said struck a chord in Kyoya. It was sure not to last long, but Fuyumi was able to have a piece of her brother back for a little while.

I still want to see him smile, Tamaki realized to himself as he stood there watching. He wanted to remain in the other young man's life, shake it up, and not see such a look in those eyes.

* * *

"You can't escape what you will not deal with. The day you can stand in the room with someone and not be affected is the day you truly moved on."  
― Shannon L. Alder


	5. Chapter 5

With(out) You

* * *

"We accept the love we think we deserve." ― Stephen Chbosky

* * *

"Kyoya."

His peppering of questions ground to a halt at the interruption and Tamaki looked up. The voice did not belong to Fuyumi or her cheerful daughter Kazue. It was another young Japanese man his age, Kyoya's age. Well, Tamaki assumed. It was among the many questions the bitter eyed young man had failed to answer him.

But Tamaki leapt up in surprise as he recognized the other. The wavy coppery hair pulled back into a low ponytail was very familiar. After all, Tamaki saw the face every time he pulled out one of his newest albums of the young man. "You're…you're Isao Sonada! Kyoya! Why did you never tell me you knew one of my favorite pianists?"

Kyoya ignored him as he typically did, tucking his paperwork back into his briefcase. Tamaki glanced quickly back and forth between the pair. Isao seemed taken aback, blinking curiously at him.

"This is who Fuyumi-san was excited over last week when we stopped by the place?"

"You two are friends?" With a slight hesitation, Isao dipped his head down at Tamaki. "How did you two meet each other? How long have you and Isao been friends Kyoya? Are you childhood chums? What do you two enjoy doing together? Oh! Kyoya, do you play an instrument too? Or maybe you two go to festivals together under the night sky with fireworks? Have—"

"So you were sent in my sister's steed?" Kyoya's words snapped. Tamaki halted in his fresh peppering of questions, confused on Kyoya even treating a friend as harshly as he did his sister. If not, harsher. His eyes flicked back to narrow at Tamaki. Tamaki straightened. "Your first question to me was on sibling relationships. Why don't you ask Isao about his sister?"

The young man in question went pale, wide eyed as though Kyoya had just slapped him. "Kyoya!"

Ignoring both he and Isao, Kyoya strode off purposively down the sidewalk. Curiosity still stayed in Tamaki and he peered over to the pianist. Isao's face was pinched in distress as he watched his friend stride away; his arm shook noticeably, a fist clenched tight in anger.

Tamaki had lost his mother, thus the group. Had Kyoya lost Isao's sister for his reason as being in the group?

"He needs to stop doing this. Every time. He really needs to stop behaving like this that little _prat_," Isao hashed out, muttering angrily to himself. "I know that tactic and he's not doing this again. Every time we…are you coming?"

Tamaki jolted and sprinted to catch up with Isao. "Yeah. I'm coming. Tactic?"

"Cold and independent. Making you believe he doesn't need others to lean onto," Isao answered him. "But the past several months he keeps using it, even though we are familiar with it, trying to break us down. And he's far more…vicious about being so cold and independent. Cruel and malicious."

"Bitter," Tamaki offered.

Green eyes flecked with olive brown stared at him in surprise. Isao blinked. "Yes. Bitter. I apologize. I did not catch your name earlier."

Easily, he introduced himself and Isao nodded. The conversation fell to silence soon after that as they followed Kyoya's path. Left to his own thoughts, Tamaki pondered what Kyoya had meant by his words to Isao and why exactly he had chosen to do so. For what reaction had Kyoya hoped to receive? Isao claimed to be familiar with the tactic, but it had still clearly rattled him. Were they not supposed to follow because that was why Kyoya typically used it?

But Isao knew it, so wasn't the tactic useless? If then, Kyoya had been needlessly unpleasant for a tactic on Isao which did not work.

Right?

Isao paused at the entrance of the building Kyoya entered. Tamaki looked back to see the pianist with his head titled back, staring at the sign. Coppery hair shook in clearing Isao's face. "Let's head in and see if we can find him before…anything."

"Okay," Tamaki agreed quietly. There was a story here, but it did not seem as though Isao was going to share why a hospital or this hospital was affecting him. Considering it was a hospital, any situation Tamaki thought of was not a well off one. "I'll head right, you go left?"

"Good as plan as any. Meet back here in a half hour?"

Nod. "Sure."

It was then Tamaki was left to his own devices and he wandered, peering into various doorways as he walked the hallway. Several female nurses smiled at him and he had smiled back, but did not bother them since they were busy at work. A few patients in their beds frowned at him or waved excitedly at him. Tamaki continued his search, not seeing a visiting Kyoya in the first or second floor.

An odd doctor finally was the first to speak to him on the third floor. "Can I help you find someone?"

Tamaki blinked up at the middle aged man, taken aback by the reddish hair color swept long to one side and sheered short on the other. His face was long and serious, but the bone structure made him appear comical, especially with his hair style.

"If you can." Tamaki checked for the doctor's name tag. "Kuwabara-sensei."

"Do you know what area or room they are in?"

"No, they aren't a patient. He's a young man about my age. Black short hair, glasses, carrying a briefcase around here somewhere. His name is Kyoya."

The friendly manner fell off of the doctor's face. "Ah. The youngest."

The doctor studied him. His eyes narrowed, flickering up and down with a frown. Judging. Tamaki nearly fidgeted under the stare.

"I actually just saw him," the doctor gave up the information. "My guess would be trying room 3021 or the ward, it's straight down and the first turn to your right. Don't push him right now if you can. I told him he could spend as long as he wanted here today."

"Uh, yeah. I only wanted to find him," Tamaki informed the doctor.

The room number given was empty so Tamaki headed to the ward. Several couples were scattered across the room, close to the long window, a few with families and friends chattering with them excitedly. Automatically, Tamaki smiled at the view. All those little babies, cute as anything in the world. All those families welcoming in new members. It was heartwarming.

And then he spotted Kyoya at the furthest point of the window, a few feet away from the view, leaned up against the wall at that corner of the room, his arms crossed. Whatever joy the other people in the room had, he did not. The young man merely gazed through the window with half lidded eyes.

Remembering the odd doctor's words, Tamaki entered into the room only to sit at one of the chairs off to the side. He at least knew where Kyoya was now. It didn't seem right to bother the other young man in this room of joy. From what Tamaki could see of those slate grey eyes, there was a definite lack of bitter. No joy, but… It was almost soothing to be in this room filled with new life and possibilities.

Wouldn't it be nice to be so young and filled with such awe? Half of the couples were of Tamaki's age, but he hadn't felt young in a long time with his mother's illness and her passing. He could still feel awe though as he observed the newborn babies on the other side. So little. So tiny. So incredible.

He turned back to study Kyoya. Calm, and maybe a bit sad with his eyes? Then he turned his head to stare at Tamaki. Who froze. Caught.

Then, the young man turned his head back to stare at the rows of babies. Tamaki shrugged off any feelings over Kyoya ignoring him at the moment. It was the most peaceful he had seen the other. A woman seemed to crumple on the side of his vision and Tamaki jerked up, standing hurriedly. Her husband clung to one of her arms, shock on both of their faces as they stared up at the odd doctor. He smiled and bent down to assist the husband. "I assure you both, it is real and not a joke. It has been paid for."

"Who? Who would do such a—? We should thank—"

"No, no need," he interrupted the wife. "The person does not wish to be named or thanked. Just to know your little girl is well taken care of."

"But we don't know anyone who could…who could give such a gift…"

Suspicious, Tamaki glanced over to Kyoya who still leaned at the far corner of the large window. The other didn't even look at the happily shocked couple, nor did any of the rest of his body language change, but Tamaki felt the gift had most assuredly come from Kyoya. Kyoya being the best seemed certainty to Tamaki, even if it might have sounded ridiculous said out loud. It filled him with warmth to think of this. However, it was tempered by the niggling notion of why.

* * *

"The conflict between the will to deny horrible events and the will to proclaim them aloud is the central dialectic of psychological trauma." ― Judith Lewis Herman


	6. Chapter 6

With(out) You

* * *

"We have always held to the hope, the belief, the conviction that there is a better life, a better world, beyond the horizon."—Franklin D. Roosevelt

* * *

Tamaki assured his father he would be fine, he'd use this time to explore after his tour. His father smuggled him with a squeezing one armed hug, told him to be sure to visit the elementary music rooms, then jogged off with his phone back up at his ear. Tamaki watched his father go with a smile. The tour across the Ouran Academy grounds had been more stories and fooling around than business numbers and future endeavors. Grand-mère would be sorely disappointed and the very epitome of disapproval if she knew how the tour had actually been conducted.

A trio of boys trotted out of a classroom up ahead, each carrying large and thin bags as they chatted. Tamaki peered at their odd shaped bags with a tilted head, puzzled. He strode forward to peek into the classroom they had exited. More waist high youth hustled to and fro, several zipping up more odd bags. The smell of paint entered his lungs.

Paintings. They were taking home art projects.

"Tamaki-san!"

Surprised, he looked for the voice. Smile wide, Kazue grabbed and lugged her own bag awkwardly as she hurried over to him. He stepped forward to meet her, taking careful hold of her tote as to not damage the painting inside.

"What brings you here? I missed seeing you a couple of days ago since mom couldn't make it and asked Isao-san to go instead." Kazue's tiny face lit up and her next question burbled out. "Did you miss me?"

Tamaki smiled at her. "Was that even in question?"

The girl giggled at his teasing.

"So you attend Ouran Academy Kazue? And are in the art club?"

"Mmhm!" She nodded. "All my family has gone here and Kenshin will too soon. But I'm pretty sure Uncle Kyoya is the only other one who was in art club too. Did you attend Ouran Academy too Tamaki-san? Is that why you're visiting?"

Tamaki shook his head. "Sadly, no. I lived in France at the time, but if I had known you would be here, maybe I would have taken the offer to attend." Kazue giggled again at that. "My father is the chairman and I was touring the place with him until a little while ago. I wasn't aware you or your family attended Ouran Academy."

"Oh yes. I attend here, but mom and my aunts and uncles attended too when they were younger. So did my grandfathers and grandmothers. Oh! You did met Isao-san the other day, right Tamaki-san?"

"Yes I did," he assured her. He didn't elaborate or go into detail of the two of them teaming up to find her uncle at the hospital. There were some things she probably wasn't and would not be aware of about her uncle at this age. The girl already looked much too worried whenever Kyoya had his back turned, even if she kept up the cheerful and playful manner at all other times.

"Isao-san attended Ouran Academy too. He visits our house more often now that Uncle Kyoya is back from the States. All of Uncle Kyoya's friends do. Well," she hesitated and bit her lip looking to the floor. Her cheerful smile had disappeared.

"Now, now, now Kazue," Tamaki said softly. He repeated it as the girl's mother would, bending down to put a hand on her shoulder. "He's going through a difficult time. I'm sure his friends and your mother are helping him the best they can. Your uncle is in good hands."

She sighed. "I know. Just I don't know if they're the best hands for him right now. But, oh!" Her head jerked up. "Mom says you made a difference. And when Uncle Kyoya is trying to distance himself away from us and his old friends. Maybe a new friend's hands are the best."

Wide eyed and startled, Tamaki couldn't find the words for a response to that declaration.

Then Kazue made a decision.

"You should come home with me Tamaki-san. Please," she pleaded. He cracked a little at her cute face. "It's my half birthday today."

Somehow he found himself arriving at the Shido mansion a short time later. Fuyumi had been dismayed at her daughter's insistence, but gave in on only if the busy adult in question was able to visit. Tamaki wasn't sure if she was disapproving or relieved at him giving Kazue the okay. As the girl grabbed her tote to carry inside, her mother told him as much.

"Kyoya isn't going to like this much when he gets back, but my daughter was insistent on bringing up the matter this morning. Your words have been known to affect him once before, he'll at least do some sort of pleasantries once a week or so now. But still, I am hoping you can maybe distract Kazue from trying to help her uncle today? It's not your problem and I feel I step way too far in asking you since you're not directly involved," she rambled.

Tamaki reached out and stopped her frantic hands from squeezing and pulling the life out of her fingers.

"It's okay. I'm already here. I may not know the specifics, but I cannot not help Kyoya. He's…"

He trailed off, not sure of the word to describe her brother. Fuyumi huffed with a small smile and wiped away a tear. "It's like you see my brother beyond his mask. He always gets loose footings after group sessions since you have been there. And I hope far too much on you, on a new friend after…everything. It's heartening to see even tiny cracks of my brother showing for a few moments of the week. I do so want to see Kyoya happy again. Even if I know it will more than likely a long way off for him to allow himself happiness...considering how he fell apart when Arisa passed on."

"Arisa?" Tamaki couldn't help but ask, but quickly waved Fuyumi off. "Nevermind, nevermind. It feels too much like talking behind Kyoya's back when I know he wouldn't want me knowing. I'd rather not have a friendship formed like that, as if his input isn't important."

Fuyumi smiled brightly. "You are a good friend Tamaki. I hope your friendship lasts."

Kazue dashed back outside, shouting loudly. "Come on Tamaki-san! I'll show you around before Uncle Kyoya gets back!"

Tamaki let the smaller girl drag him to the mansion and onto a quick paced tour that led straight to her room. There was little time to admire the sparse but lovingly decorated rooms in the modern meets traditional household. The glimpses caught were in beautiful paintings and portraits nestled close to work desks and awards. Then he was in her room, pulled tight over to the wall with no furniture in front of it.

And for good reason.

Kazue beamed at his reaction. "Isn't it the best? I was speechless too when it was finished."

The wall was scenic, an old stone paves road winding through meadow and hills to a towering and glittering city. Touches of childish whimsy touched the gorgeous landscape with a standing on two legs cat peering through the tall grass or billboard signs on top the buildings advertising silly items such as a girl wearing Orion's belt.

While he had been admiring the work, Kazue had closed her curtains and then dashed to her light switch. "Watch this Tamaki-san! This is the best part. When I go to bed at night, it turns into this." And she flicked the bedroom into darkness

The highest billboard which had advertised Orion's belt became the stars of Orion's belt. The stars spread across the top, complete with a cresent moon where the sun had been in the sky. The city building lights shone through the painted on windows, glinting oddly and with a step back, Tamaki realized the window glares had been set to read a hidden message. Good night Kazue.

"Uncle Kyoya painted it for me," Kazue pipped up proudly. "I told him once that I would like a painting for my room and he teased me about buying some fancy one, even though he knew I meant one by him. Then I found out he did _this_ after our birthdays finished up. He even led me to believe he didn't get me a gift!"

Tamaki was glad for the darkness. His mouth had dropped. Sure, she had mentioned Kyoya had been in art club too, but this was extraordinary. And even if he could fantasize Kyoya being a dotting uncle with how this girl adored him, he had not been expecting this.

"I miss Uncle Kyoya," her voice said sadly.

The lights hurt his eyes when they suddenly went on again. Kazue's tiny face was set in determination. She pulled him by the hand. "You're going to help me. Because it's my half birthday and this day is _important_. Especially, doubly, incredibly important."

"Now, now, now Kazue," Tamaki began. The girl pulled harder.

"I'm _not_ leaving Uncle Kyoya alone today and you're going to help me. The rest of his friends help him nudge me out and mom says he's always been sensitive. I don't get adults. But _you're_ in his group and are _different_. It was fate we ran into each other today at school, of all days. Come on Tamaki-san. Uncle Kyoya's room is right...here!"

She slid the door open and all her bold and brazen determined presence fell. Kazue shrunk and pressed her back tightly against his legs.

"H-H-Hi Hikaru-san. Is Ageha here?"

Angry amber eyes stared at Kazue, then turned upwards to Tamaki. The young man didn't remove his gaze from Tamaki as he snapped a portfolio shut, removed his resting legs from the desk, and stood to full height. Just a tad under Tamaki. Tamaki swallowed.

"Who the hell are you?" Hikaru snarled.

"My apologies," Tamaki said. He tugged Kazue so that she stood behind him. "I didn't mean to intrude. Kazue was insistent to come down here, but we can go elsewhere. Can't we Kazue-chan?"

She scowled. "Are you trying to sweet talk your way out of helping me?" The girl pushed forward, her boldness reappearing. "This is Tamaki-san. He goes to group with Uncle Kyoya. It was fate him and I meet each other today and he _will_ help me. Aren't you? You gotta because today is important and my Uncle Kyoya is important to me."

"Kazue," Hikaru snapped. The girl flinched back. "Don't be dragging strangers into your uncle's life. It's already bad enough you made this for him." He held up a brightly colored painting of tiger lillies before continuing his telling off. "Or that I was the only one able to come today, I'm the worst choice to send, but Kyoya is harsh and cutting, something I know all too well about. You _know_ this is a bad day Kazue. He needs release and as cold as he is right now, he's still never going to allow you to see how bad it is for him. Tamaki-san may be a target if he remains with me if what Isao spoke of him is correct, but an unwilling and confused target as he is not a friend of Kyoya."

Kazue stepped forward to speak.

"No. He's a stranger. Get out of here Kazue. And take this painting with you."

"But-"

"I'm not my brother," Hikaru cut harshly. "I've hit my kiddie glove limit Kazue."

"Hikaru." The voice came from behind, the hallway. They all turned to see the owner of two rage filled slate gray eyes. Tamaki was yanked backwards by his collar. Kyoya strode past him, gripped Hikaru tight, and boldly tossed him out of his bedroom. Hikaru gasped at his collision with the wall. The portfolio scattered, fashion designs flapping to the floor.

"Kyoya," he shouted throatily. "Is this how you treat a visiting friend? It's bad enough for me you know! But I still came today! And in front of-"

Lifted up by her armpits, Kyoya deposited Kazue into Hikaru's arms before he could use them to block the door. His sight turned to Tamaki, hatred and pained.

"You're here?" Hesitant, Tamaki waggled his fingers and tentatively began a little smile in the face of anger from intrusion of personal space. Kyoya snorted. "Tell me to smile again and I'll smash your face in this time."

The door slammed shut to all three of them.

Hikaru summed it up with language that had Kazue telling him off and threatening to tell a Kaoru-san which made him wince. Then he snagged up his loose designs before he stomped off down the hallway and called Kaoru to yell at about in how bad this day was and that Kyoya was physically and not just psychologically pushing him out now. Tamaki frowned at the distinction and gazed at the closed door in concern. Kazue sniffed and mumbled about a cake she asked to be made, leaving too quickly for him to see if she was crying.

Feeling useless, Tamaki looked back to the door and then stretched out an arm. He knocked lightly. "Kyoya? I think you might want to apologize to Kazue at least."

The response of nothingness was broken only by the crashing of an object against the door, Kyoya roaring loudly.

* * *

"We're all drowning, but don't say it out loud."― Marty Rubin


	7. Chapter 7

With(out) You

* * *

"I like to think that I've got determination, and I'm fiercely protective of the people I love." – Andrew Lincoln

* * *

Rather than spending his free day out in the area near the Souh mansion and reading other corporate files, Tamaki found himself exiting the limousine and thanking Akito. The Sonado household was notably smaller and traditional. However, he buzzed and announced himself to be led on the path going behind the household. Plant life, sand garden, a small creek; it was rich in natural beauty and a more modern building sat nestled within, large clear window to the view.

"The Sonado Private Studio," said the demure woman. "Master Isao expects you Souh-san, you are free to enter."

With a bow, the servant left before Tamaki could thank her or realize she used his family name of Souh. He turned his head to watch her leave. Tamaki was pretty sure his last name had never been asked for and he'd never given it. Shrugging, he went inside, wondering if it really mattered to group. The lack of family names was certainly intentional.

The hallway was a length of several practice rooms, built for acoustics. Japanese traditional instruments littered a couple, stunning pianos, brass and woodwinds, gorgeous harps, drum sets with wind chimes, full of anything and everything musical except for Isao Sonado. Tamaki reached the end of the hallway to the only door closed and slid it open. This room was large and spacious, one wall filled with the beauty of outside due to an enormous window. The piano had its keys exposed, scores of sheets scattered across it full of scratch marks and notations. More sat on a stand next to it, a flute and pen laying on it as well.

"That's him?"

Tamaki spun from leaning in to read the music, eyes widening when he realized not only Isao Sonado was there. The boy from Kyoya's room last week, with all the fashion designs and abrasive attitude sat next to the pianist on the stained bench. Both were studying him with a calm which unsettled Tamaki. It was judging and guarded. He took a wary step back.

Hopping off the bench, Tamaki questioned his memory for the name, the boy strode in a circle around him and leaned forward to give an unsettling stare. Then he stood straight and turned his head back to Isao. "He does look like the chairman, doesn't he? I mean, the coloring is all wrong, but it's definitely there. Figures Hikaru wouldn't notice with how agitated he was with all of us at the time," the boy snickered. Hikaru? Wait, wasn't that his name? Tamaki searched his memory again. Hikaru definitely went with this face, it was the same face from Fuyumi's house when he visited.

Tamaki stepped back to take a better look at the other. Tailored pants, a vest over a button down that had the sleeves pushed up, a pageboy looking hat. He looked more professional than the last time with the faded graphic shirt. The boy smirked at him and put a hand on his jaunted hip.

"Your hair wasn't strawberry blond last week." The observation left Tamaki's lips without him realizing at first. Then he jolted. "You…aren't him?"

The other brightened, laughing gleefully. "Yes and no. We're twins. And don't play with me Souh-san. The hair was _not_ the giveaway. Kaoru."

Kaoru and Hikaru. Tamaki stared at Kaoru for a while, taking him in and wondering what was supposed to be the giveaway if it wasn't the hair. The change of clothing style? The brand appeared to be the same though. Oh! Tamaki hit his forehead. Their personality!

"Sorry," Tamaki apologized after Kaoru startled.

Kaoru grinned, leaning uncomfortably close. "That's all right. We still can pull each other off enough to fool most."

Wait, what? Was this even Kaoru or was it Hikaru? Or was it just a hair color change and all a lie to question him being near Kyoya? Baffled, Tamaki stared at Kaoru again and then looked to Isao.

"Don't worry. That's Kaoru," Isao stated.

Still far too close, Kaoru gazed intensely at him as his eyes shifted to something other than a put on amusement. Tamaki squirmed, shifting back, feeling like a bug under inspection to squish swiftly under that shiney shoe. Kaoru followed.

"I'm not seeing it Isao."

Tamaki swallowed at the lowered voice and swiveled his head toward the pianist. Isao didn't look up to interfering, in fact, leaned back as he studied the view. With a nervous bite on his lip, Tamaki turned his focus back onto the strawberry blond and yelped. Not deterred, Kaoru swiftly stepped into his space fully. Fingers plucked at him and he shied away farther.

"Uncertain. Timid. He's already a kicked puppy. I don't get it at all. Is it false understanding? But he's so baffled," came the almost complaint. Complaint? Of course he was baffled at what was going on. Tamaki shuffled sideways and frowned.

Isao shrugged from where he sat. "Fuyumi-san insists he has impact. We'll ignore Kazue-chan, considering. But he seems to understand enough," he mused.

"Knock that off." Tamaki batted Kaoru's prodding fingers and turned to Isao. "What is this all about? This is no way to treat a guest you invited over. I was curious enough to step out today for—it's Kyoya, isn't it?"

Isao tilted his head in consideration. It had to be. Kyoya was who tied them together after all, how they met and then searched for him. Tamaki didn't understand. He'd been open and honest. Why the examination? The momentary friendship and bond created over that event didn't leave Tamaki in a bad spot with Isao, did it? Tamaki shook his head. That hardly made sense for he had been the one to find Kyoya in the end for the childhood friends to leave together.

Except.

"You're another friend of Kyoya, aren't you?" He spun wildly back around to Kaoru. "You and Hikaru! I worried you! That's why! I understand! He's going through a rough time and you're worried for him! I didn't mean to! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

The boy staggered back, wide eyed at Tamaki's sudden apology, "Oh." And then he looked away.

Uncertain of their silence, Tamaki glanced through his bangs and raised his head slightly back up. Kaoru was sending undiscernible look to Isao, while Isao stared at Tamaki, stunned.

"Gods… That's why you affect Kyoya," Kaoru said blankly. "Kyoya has got to be _pissed_ at this."

Tamaki jerked his head up. "Huh? What do you mean?"

There was no answer. Just a long exhale of air. "It's," was said with a lengthy pause. "Nice to meet you."

Tamaki squinted, sure that was not the word Kaoru wanted to use. "I don't think I believe that," he responded slowly. "Are you angry at me? For what kind of person I am?"

It seemed silly, but Tamaki thought Kaoru was irritated. The boy raised his gaze to study a light above them and exhaled. "No." His amber gaze fell down, back onto Tamaki. "Hikaru said something on his run in with you that intrigued me. Telling Kyoya to smile?"

Apprehensive, Tamaki nodded. Kaoru was clearly going somewhere with this. Tamaki cast his eyes to Isao. But the pianist offered nothing.

"Why," Kaoru cut the question in sharply. Tamaki looked back to him, expecting narrowed eyes, but the face was as contemplative as before. "Why tell Kyoya to smile?"

It was an easy memory to recall. It had been a day Kyoya had reacted differently, Tamaki somehow managing to knock the bitter hatred in his slate grey eyes. At least for a little while. Shock override the hatred, if not the pain. "Fuyumi-san was worried," Tamaki answered slowly. "I think he believes he is not allowed to smile right now. I've had my own troubles in allowing myself to be happy, so I know I was out of line, but I didn't order that, just a smile. That even if it did nothing for him, it would for her. Even if it's fake, it's an attempt and Fuyumi-san seemed so hopeless. I can only hope to see Kyoya truly smile, I would really love to see that but he can't even speak about whoever passed in group yet."

Kaoru rubbed his temple with a groan. Tamaki fidgeted his fingers, twisting his slacks nervously. He hadn't said anything wrong. There wasn't anything wrong with wanting to see Kyoya well? Or at least better considering what he'd seen of Kyoya so far. They couldn't find fault in trying to help. Isao and Kaoru, even Hikaru from before; they all were trying to do the same for their friend.

Uneasiness had the name leave his lips before he could reign in the curiosity that sprang to his mind just then. "Arisa?"

Isao made a startled noise at the name. "How did you hear that name?"

"Not from Kyoya," Kaoru snipped. "What did you do? Investigate him? Find out all about the family he's from? Read up on newspaper clippings, ask for rumors, go through your father's influence to—"

The boy's mouth snapped shut, eyes glaring guardedly and suspiciously.

"No!" Tamaki waved it off wildly. "No! I'm sorry, it just came out, I didn't mean to pry behind his back, I'd really rather not, but no. Fuyumi-san brought up the name when her daughter insisted I visit on her half birthday."

Kaoru's voice was strained. "Her half birthday?" His laugh was derisive. Tamaki frowned at that. Had Kazue lied in her pleading of him to go to the Shido mansion?

"Arisa is my sister," Isao spoke softly.

That's right. Kyoya had said something about pestering Isao instead of him about what it was like to have a sibling. Right before he ditched them due to the affect those words had on Isao. Tamaki's eyes flew open wide at Isao. Was that who passed? Isao's sister? And Kyoya had used that to hurt Isao, push away his childhood friend.

"I—I—I didn't," Tamaki stammered.

"She passed away just over eleven years ago. Kyoya didn't handle that well either." Isao took a shuddering breath and then released it. "He's not good with it at all. He's very…cutting. Every sense of that word. Cuts off everyone around him, cuts insults into them. He cuts off emotionally. At least, as much as he can. The Kyoya that I and Arisa knew growing up was a drama, emotive and passionate. The emotions he allows himself to feel and hasn't been able to cut off from, well…"

Isao trailed off with his shrug as if the explanation needed no more. It perhaps he did not. Tamaki had seen the emotions pouring out of Kyoya's eyes. The intensity showed. It was what drew Tamaki to Kyoya.

Tamaki noticed Isao's eyes were drifting off to the side, a touch of sadness in his face. He turned to look and it took a moment, but he spotted a framed photo hanging just off to the side of the piano.

Young Isao's smile was quietly amused, the calm face of the group picture. The coppery hair was much shorter. Arisa had the coppery hair of the current Isao's length in the picture. Tiny, but on the cusp of being a real beauty, she beamed. Her cheeks were pink, bright green eyes appearing especially bright. A spark full of life. The third face was a dark haired boy grinning mischievously beside her. All three sat on the piano bench, sheets of music lined up behind them, but Arisa beamed brightly in the middle of it all.

"She looks pretty," Tamaki said politely. "And openhearted, warm and friendly."

"She was," Isao acquiesced. Then, "You were only helping Fuyumi-san? Or prefer helping anyone? You must give helping hands to everyone from your group."

Tamaki flinched. He saw Kaoru shift from his peripheral. "No," Kaoru said decisively. "He's got his sights set on Kyoya alone. Don't you? You just realized you've been focused on him solely, haven't you? Ignoring others in group. You're the kind of person who cannot not help people, not wanting to bring them down or worry and stress them out. You would apologize for letting your anger show. For doing anything that could hurt another, even unintentionally."

"I," Tamaki stuttered. It was true. He had felt suddenly wrong at realizing he could have been helping more people. Selfish. He'd said hello and talked to the others before group, but Kyoya had become a focus. Simply for his own desire to know more behind those eyes, to create a smile, be a support for the other young man. A friend. Kyoya definitely didn't want a friend even if he needed them as much as any other human; but Tamaki wanted Kyoya as a friend, even if the other didn't want him. He wanted to be Kyoya's friend.

"I want to be Kyoya's friend. There, there's really no terrible motivations behind it or anything. Just…companionship. But I am still sorry I worried you two and Hikaru and anyone else with myself."

"Of course you are," Kaoru replied dryly. He removed his cap, tilted his head, and caught the device that fell from his strawberry blonde locks. Tamaki's mouth gapped open, stunned at the step farther they took to scrutinizing him in relation to Kyoya. "I'm sure this alieves any concerns on his intentions for any of you, further concerns and emotions notwithstanding?"

Voices chorused in various sentiments of agreement, only one grumble coming out of the cell phone. "Right." Kaoru snapped his phone shut, slide it away easily, and directed his attention to Isao. "I've got to go. Kyoya asked to fit him with something that I really don't think I'll like the symbolism of, but I figured he could easily just have anyone do it so I'm taking advantage to see if I can figure out the meaning. Dark pink, teal, or gold mean anything to you Isao? I have a very strong guess why the teal."

Isao frowned. He shook his head. "Not the gold."

Kaoru hummed in response; He was already on the move, giving a salute from the doorway. "I'll call after." Tamaki heard the snort and mutter as Kaoru disappeared down the hallway. "Even though Kyoya gives no reason for anyone to want to become his friend now. Idiot."

He scowled and noticed Isao appeared a bit amused at him. "He gives plenty of reason," he said sharply, defensively.

Isao's small smile grew.

"For us and you perhaps. But you cannot not admit Kyoya doesn't give much reason for most people to do anything but run. We have the benefit of seeing more reason than you, us seeing the before. But right now? Kaoru has a point. It does seem idiotic with Kyoya's intensity filled up on fury and agony."

* * *

"You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not." ― Jodi Picoult


End file.
